Living with a Mental Illness – When is Enough Really Enough?

I hear you speak and get angry. I don't know why, maybe it's what you said or the way you said it. You've tested me several times about my illness. Your harassment through the courts on every domestic issue. You say PTSD and Bipolar II is a diagnosis that should exclude me from my family and attainable employment.  I'm sober while I used to hid in a beer can.

Honestly,  when is enough… enough?

 I can shower, clean and keep up with financial matters. I am extremely educated and implore others to challenge my abilities. I have flaws and I'm not perfect. 

I can only take so much. I was charged with DUI, I completed my requirements.  A judge threw me in jail for a 40 day to 6 month sentence. Seems fair for a first time DUI. I was a cop. I should know better. I even checked myself into a rehabilitation clinic. Interestingly enough, they stumbled upon my mental illness. I have 4 kids and hopefully soon to be ex-wife.  We’ve been separated for 10 years.

I've done over 100 hours of community service. I help others that are diagnosed. I absolutely love assisting others that are effected. I ask a simple question, when can I see my kids and return to normal? Im holding onto a string. My oldest son lives with me and has been since he was 11. I messed up and took full responsibility. The judge, my ex-wife and previous colleagues all shun me. I’m left to fight alone. It's imperative that I present myself in a extremely put-together fashion.

• THE CHRISTMAS A COP WOULD NEVER FORGET

So I get this straight, I’m an alcoholic that sought treatment on my own, was diagnosed with mental issues, have 2 caseworkers, a therapist, psychologist and a regular doctor. I do all this so I can be normal. I can drink anytime, but I don't. I have every reason to put a beer in my body. I walked around undiagnosed for who knows how long. I’m suffering; I went from an extremely involved parent to this.

I coached, cleaned, worked 3 jobs and I'm left without anything now. The kids wont take my calls. My oldest just does what an 18-year-old does. My ex-wife constantly degrades me in public, in front of my kids and anyone that will listen.

    I wonder every day about them. I cry myself to sleep and know one cares. People are supportive,  but they don't know how my mind works.

I lost EVERYTHING when I drove drunk.

My brilliant career tarnished in a blink of an eye. Why me? It’s sad that a daddy not a sperm donor has to endure abuse after abuse.  Colleagues question my diagnosis,  My ex-wife thinks I'm crazy and refuses to allow me to see the kids without supervision.  Every day I hope and pray they'll call. I want to see them without supervision. I dont have a mean bone in my body or anger issues that will prevent me from doing so. My parents will not facilitate my custodial visits. They say it’s too hard on them from both my ex and I. When can I catch a break? I wasn't aware if you drive drunk and suffer from mental illness you have no rights…

  I’m sober, I'm lonely, I miss my life.  PTSD and Bipolar II hit me unexpectedly and I started self-medicating. Now I’m free of beer and take my meds as prescribed.

    When is enough really enough? I silently wait for a sign. I internalize and Monday morning quarterback everything. My follow-through sucks. I understand when people say, “I’m sorry, it must be hard,” or, "I know your pain,” they’re trying to be helpful. But I want results from this hell I live…