You would think this wouldn’t have to be spelled out for people… but after viewing hours of dash-cam and body-cam footage, apparently we need to have the conversation.

This is the s—t you shouldn’t do when you get pulled over by the police.

You’ve all been there. You’re driving a bit too fast through a school zone, you tried to get through the yellow light before it turned red and failed… and you see the red and blue lights flash in your rearview.

Now this could go a few different ways, and it’s usually entirely up to the way you choose to handle it.

First up: the side-of-the-road lawyer.

Don’t be the guy who starts rattling off laws and statutes as soon as I approach your car, refusing to provide identification because of something you once read on the Internet. You’re probably wrong and you’re just going to piss me off.

Chances are, I know a lot more about the legal aspects of my job than Johnny, who stocks shelves at the local Trader Joes.

Next up: the ‘do you know who I am?’ card.

You might think you’re important, but that doesn’t mean you get to break the law when you feel like it. Crying and complaining isn’t going to lead to me letting you off. If anything, your crybaby ass needs a good reprimanding. And I’ll happily be the one to put you in check.

Don’t fake a panic attack. It’s just embarrassing.

Here’s the thing. Maybe what you did in traffic just warranted a warning. But you better believe if you’re screaming that you’ll have my job, I’m going to throw the whole book at you.

Let’s roll to the next. Don’t want me to get shot?

Keep your hands where I can see them.

That order I gave to show me your hands wasn’t a suggestion. It’s a direct order. If I see you reaching, you better believe I’m going to make decisions to protect my own life. Keep your hands in plain sight while we’re hanging out. Everybody is happy. Everybody gets to go home.

I’ll touch lightly on this one… don’t play the race card. I usually work nights. Do you know how many people have tinted windows in their cars? A lot. I can’t see if you’re bright purple. I’m pulling you over for breaking the law. End of story.

Free inhabitants of the law? Give me a break. Just because you declare ‘sovereign citizenship’ doesn’t mean you can go around doing whatever you want. These people literally claim to have the right to freely live in our society but don’t recognize any of our laws. Sounds like some whacko hippie bulls—t to me.

Don’t run. Just…. don’t do it.

Don’t tell me you pay my salary. It might be true, but for one, you pay like crap. And two, the individual contribution that you put into my bi-weekly check is so minimal you barely make a difference.

“I’ll have your job!” Go ahead. Take it. Let’s switch for a while and see how you like people spitting in your face and telling you they’re going to kill your family.

Don’t run from me. Just…. don’t do it. You’re still going to jail, but now we’re both sweaty and I have to send you to the hospital to clean the dog bite wounds on your backside.

And for those that are too lazy to read… here’s an entertaining video from Reyes’s Real Talk from the Whiskey Wall series. I hope you enjoy.