Scientific studies show police have mind channeling issues while on the commode.
Do you analyze the process of doing your duty on duty? Do you take care to prepare your gun belt for the separation? It’s a struggle.
Sometimes taking all our equipment off to do our particulars is a hassle.
There are security measures. The facility must be clean and safe. Then you have your most prized possession to worry about with placement and protection: your gun belt. Not only should we take care with our weapon, but we must prepare the throne for our bum.
Must you carpet the toilet seat prior to popping a squat? How many layers does it take to ensure you are free from cooties? Maybe you are lucky enough to be in a lavatory with those nice crunchy paper “for your safety” guards. Heck. Perhaps you just hover and hope for the best. That could be reckless endangerment because of impending rapid fire on the wall behind you depending on what you had for dinner.
Perhaps some of your colleagues might advise you to consume the nasty cheese like substance similar to mortar and the bricks they call crackers out of MREs to avoid number 2 on duty. I found it better to indulge in those cute little baby bell cheese thingies. There is no better way to clog your pipes with palate tingling goodness, rather than those other terrible options.
And do not forget bathroom etiquette.
Your gun belt tho…
Aside from sanitary considerations and dietary options of our back side, we must guard our firearm which when removed makes us feel suddenly vulnerable and somewhat naked. Well, we are partially disrobed, but being without your gun by your side is a different kind of nudity. Are you in anguish over your gun belt placement? Do you play head games with yourself while concentrating on bodily functions?
Where is your gun belt when you are on the commode?
1. Hookers. Do you hang it up on the hook just inside the door? There you are hovering or sitting there doing your business and you look up at your weapon. Do you worry about it falling off the hook?
2. Just a swangin’. If it swings there, do you take care to make it still? You know it is driving you crazy. The muzzle is swinging past your eyes every few seconds. That is if you are hovering the toilet. If you are sitting down fully embracing the throne, then it might be aimed at the top of your melon or barely miss you. The safety rules are going through your mind. Muzzle sweep! Muzzle sweep! What if it fell out of the holster?
3. TUNNEL vision. Suppose you are in mid-pinch of your commode business and the barrel is staring right at you. The barrel is a tunnel you cannot stop fixating on. Do you get up to move it or just cringe and move on? Oh. You can’t move at the moment? Are up ducking and pooping? You certainly cannot stop in the middle of your business. Maybe you take your chances instead- just pray and hope for the best.
4. Does your mind race about the insecurity of the moment? Are “what if” scenarios running through your head? Suppose an emergency is aired requiring your response. Maybe you took a risk at a public restroom. Where better to ambush the police, right? Or to rob the place, making you look like fool coming out of the bathroom after a dump only to miss the bad guys? Well, that would never happen because only in emergent situations do we use public places, right? Nasty. Above all else, unsafe. Even squatting in the woods is better than using your local convenience store during a momentary lapse of reasoning.
5. Do you feel naked? You should. You mostly are. There is so much insecurity when we are in uniform but not belted in. it is a vulnerable position. We feel complete with the final snap of our keepers. Gun belt, you complete me.
6. Treating your weapon like its part of a flop house. Are you one of those who drops the gun belt on the floor next to you where pee-pee splatter has covered the floor from those before you and all their glorious flushes? That is really gross. I mean, think about it. Your prized possession and most important asset is now covered in urine and smeared with all the nasties from everyone’s boots and shoes. You know those flushes spread micro-bursts of waste at least 6 feet. Did you measure your gun belt placement to be a safe distance? Do we really want to know what kind of rash or virus or bacteria lurks there? Disgusting. Think about carrying Lysol wipes to properly sanitize your tools. Or better yet, bring a big garbage bag to wrap your gun belt in a giant condom before you throw it on the ground. Protection is a must.
7. Going to my safe place. Perhaps you have to make your way to the station because it is the only safe place for you to do your business. Do you leave your gun belt on the locker room bench and pray no one comes in or messes with your firearm as it sits there unattended? Well, at least it is free from filth and pee-pee coated floors. But gambling on your brothers or sisters not to mess with you is like rolling the dice. If you share your area with civilians, well, they might tattle. I bet you just broke policy.
8. OCD much? Do you wash your hands before you touch your gun belt again, leaving it where it lay until you scrub? Now to pick it up after you scrubbed, your hands are dirty again. Maybe it should be like the buddy system where you and your gun belt go together and hygiene together.
9. Gun and me. Do you leave your gun belt all alone in a locker just hanging around but under lock and key? It is lonely in there. Do you feel separation anxiety?
10. You almost had it. Is it slightly within reach of anyone outside your stall door? We have all watched a scary movie once in our lives. Do you envision someone’s big hand coming under there, breaking the plane of respect just to grab your gun and create havoc? THE CLAW.
When duty takes over DUTY.
There are moments of temporary insanity in every police lavatory moment when it becomes an emergency. When duty takes precedence over duty, cops are in a predicament while in precarious positions. Sometimes those restroom situations lack obvious design and just occur by happenstance. But like any other police operation, we should have a back up plan or a pre-plan. If you have been doing the job for a long time, you plan. I did not think in a million years I could have ever foreseen passing on advice of “plan your poop.” One thing is for sure: don’t get caught with your pants down.