Save me… before I go too far.

 

“Good job.”

 

When was the last time you heard those words?

 

When was the last time administration in your own agency congratulated you on doing something right?

 

When was the last time you believed you had the support of the leaders who were supposed to be making our jobs easier?

 

Stop me… because I’ve already found the rope.

 

Why is it that we need to be just as afraid of covering our own asses as we are of the criminals we’re trying to stop?

 

How did we get to the point in policing where I need to hesitate on pulling the trigger of my gun when a member of MS13 has one pointed right at me?

 

When did we get to that moment where the leadership in my department was more afraid of answering questions from the media than answering questions from the widow I’ll leave behind?

 

Prevent me… for I’ve learned to tie the noose.

 

How did politicians get so much influence in my department, and why is it that the people who were supposed to have my back now only have their own?

 

When did the harassment in our agency take such an ugly turn… and why am I so afraid of reporting the bullshit?  How is it that I’m living more in fear of IA and days off without pay than I am of being shot?

 

At what point did it become acceptable for an officer wounded in the line of duty to become ostracized from the very department he served with for so many years?

 

Watch me… I’ve been given enough rope to hang myself.

 

Where did all of our training go?  Why is it that we beg for training and the lack of it is blamed on “budgets”, but there always manages to be a “budget” for ridiculous compliance paperwork?

 

How did we get to the point where we spend more time on how to write a report identifying a person we pulled over for their race, sex, gender or sexual orientation than we spend learning how to shoot a gun?  And how is it that we get blamed when we miss?

 

Judge me… because that’s what you do.

 

You thought I was ok. You thought we were all ok. Because we’re police officers, and we put on a front.

 

But then when the pain got to be too much, the support wasn’t there and I needed you the most… you turned away.

 

And when I finally did the unthinkable and ended the pain, you had a look of shock on your face. You passed along your thoughts and prayers to my family.  You said, “we wished he would have given us a sign… told us that he needed us”.  You quietly judge me for not having the courage to come back to work the next day.

 

But the truth is I did give you a sign – WE gave you a sign.  I am hanging not because I failed… I am hanging because YOU failed.

 

The enemy is within. The enemy is you.  And until you can recognize that and fix it… we will fall.

 

This one is on you.