When I signed on as the National Spokesman for Law Enforcement Today, I knew there’d be trolls.
After all, America seems to be filled with unemployed, overgrown toddlers who like to declare themselves as “anti-fascists” while embodying the very fascism they say they fight against.
But recently we reached a new low. I received a letter in the mail at my agency, The Silent Partner Marketing. I’ll be honest – at first I thought it was a joke. But a few paragraphs in, I realized I had seriously triggered one of those trolls.
In this eloquently written tirade (pleasantly loaded with spelling errors), I was told I’m a fascist for supporting “the murderous racists in blue”.
The writer was kind enough to let me know that “nobody cares” about businesses that are “veteran or first responder owned” because “they all knew what they volunteered to do so nobody owes them thanks for anything”.
The author went on to tell me “theres (sic) nobody more entitled than a cop or a veteran, and you play right into it all like a good little facist cuck”.
The Letter (Complete with original spelling and grammar errors):
I hope this letter finds you scrambling to land more low class and insignificant businesses who are forced to scrape the bottom of the barrel for marketing services. If your employees are smart there already looking for another job because we will continue to rise up to insure you never succeed. It’s all about the rights of the people and taking a stand. You know, like standing behind Colin Kapernick and others that speaks out against the murderous racists in blue. Its high time people take a stand against facists like you and your cronies.
Its funny to watch videos of you ranting about this or that because it lets me know your business is failing and our efforts are working. If it weren’t then you wouldn’t have the time to make those stupid videos because youd actually be dealing with customers. I can’t wait until the blue wave swallows you and the rest of the trumptards whole. Itll be great to watch you and the facist war mongering businesses you represent all go down in flames. Guess what, nobody cares that there veteran or first responder owned!! They all knew what they volunteered to do so nobody owes them thanks for anything1! And they call millennials entitled? Theres nobody more entitled than a cop or a veteran, and you play right into it all like a good little facist cuck.
Well I have to get to class, but just know we are all watching and laughing as you fail miserably. We will continue to rise against you and all the other facist businesses so we can keep more power with the people and break the chains of corporate america and consumerism.
Well, anonymous author from Missouri, I have a message for YOU. And I’m not even going to get into the fact that your spelling and grammar makes you look like a second grader.
Veterans and emergency responders have more patriotism in the tip of their middle finger than you have in your entire family tree. It’s because of men and women willing to put their lives on the line every day that you get to run your mouth.
In your letter, you talk about breaking “the chains of corporate America and consumerism”. But here’s the thing. It’s that corporate America that employs your father so that you can live in his basement.
It’s that consumerism that allows you to go buy the Cheetos and tighty whities that you wear while penning your anonymous letters. The same consumerism that gives you the opportunity to then play endless video games while sucking down Red Bull… then drive your leased Prius to your buddy’s place for an all night bender of Dungeons and Dragons.
You’re right about one thing. “It’s all about the rights of the people and taking a stand.” But I should explain to you who is taking a stand.
We are. While you hide behind your anonymity, slouched over a keyboard pecking away while giggling and listening to Enya streaming on Spotify, I’m willing to put my name in the public spotlight to stand behind these warriors. I have no problem showing you my face… because unlike you, I’m not a coward.
Entitled? No, “entitled” describes those who believe they are owed a four-year partying degree on mommy and daddy’s dime. “Entitled” is not a word I would use to describe those who go into harm’s way every single day… often making disgustingly low salaries and needing to constantly work overtime away from the family just to make ends meet.
The men and women you rail against are those who see past color every single day to protect citizens… and that includes spineless trolls like you.
So, my anonymous friend, you have succeeded in getting the attention you deserved. You’ve just rallied some of America’s greatest warriors. But will you have the courage to show your face?
America… please pass this around. I’d love to meet the troll who sent me this letter…. and I’m sure you would as well.